maybe if i don't cry i won't feel anymore
by ChocoholicMonkeyfish
Summary: Day six of RucasFanfictionWeek2016. Angst prompt: No you don't have to wear your best fake smile and you don't have to stand there and burn inside.


_I really don't know what this is. I'm pretty sure it's just therapy disguised as word vomit but I like it enough to post it so here we go._

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Riley has been acting strange for the last few weeks and Lucas isn't the only one who has noticed.

Farkle asked him what was going on and he reluctantly had to admit that he didn't know. Even Zay and Mr. Matthews have made passing comments about her odd behavior and had offered their help if it was needed.

Maya is oblivious, her attention focused fully on her fast-approaching art showcase. Even after what happened in eighth grade Maya prefers to believe that Riley is always okay unless she comes to her directly with a problem, and Lucas often finds himself frustrated with the blonde for it. He knows better than to comment on their friendship though.

He tries to come up with a list of potential reasons for the change during study hall one day but he is left empty-handed. Everything has been going well for their group as far as he knows, both at school and at home. He thinks back to the first time he noticed her low mood and there wasn't anything special about the day. The shift had come gradually over the last month so he doesn't think it's because of any specific event.

He trusts that she would have come to him if someone were bothering her again. They've talked about it since they got together at the ski lodge last year and she understands that he would rather know about it and have her tell him not to do anything than see her suffer in silence again.

She hasn't been struggling in school lately, keeping up with Farkle and Isadora in all of their honors classes. Although she does have to work twice as hard as the geniuses, so he supposes that could be it.

This feels like more than just stress though. She's been blowing off the group more and more, claiming that she's tired and not up to hanging out. Her smile is the fake one that looks like it causes her pain. He's only seen her real smile a handful of times in the last two weeks, usually around him or Auggie, and it only ever last a few seconds before the fake one slips back into place. The whole thing reminds him of a time that he'd rather forget: those weeks of not knowing what was going on with her between Texas and New Year's. If he didn't know better he would think that what was upsetting her had something to do with him. But they had been so happy for so long and she had never been shy about telling him when something he did bothered her in the past.

By the end of the day Lucas is more confused than ever after exhausting all of his options. He plans to pull his girlfriend away from the others at Topanga's and force her to talk to him. They always talk about everything and he's a little hurt that she hasn't come to him about this. He is just finishing packing his bag with what he'll need for the night when his phone buzzes with a text from Riley. She's included the whole group and says she forgot that her mom needs her to watch Auggie for the afternoon so she will see them tomorrow.

This actually works better; Auggie won't mind giving them a little privacy if it means that Lucas will be helping his sister. He closes his locker and walks the few feet down the hall to Zay's, telling his friend that he's going over to Riley's to keep her company.

"Alright," Zay nods, not looking up from his backpack. "Remember to call me if the cookie thief needs some cheerin' up. I can always pull out a few good Lucas stories," he laughs to himself. Lucas just shakes his head and playfully shoves his friend into the lockers.

He makes his way to the Matthews' apartment and decides to use the front door, assuming that Riley and Auggie will be in either the kitchen or living room rather than at her bay window. He knocks on the door and stares in confusion when Mrs. Matthews is the one answer it.

"Hi Mrs. Matthews, you on your way out?" He figures she must be running late.

"No," Riley's mother drawls in that way of hers that can be a little condescending. "I'm working from home today. Riley is in her room studying if you'd like to come in."

"She is?" He enters the apartment but his mind is a few steps behind trying to figure out why Riley would lie to them.

"Yes, she said that the rest of you were catching an early movie but she had a paper to work on." Topanga crosses her arms and levels the younger boy with a skeptical glance.

Lucas stays quiet not wanting to out Riley for lying. Finally he thanks her and practically sprints out of the room. If she wasn't suspicious before she definitely is now.

Riley's door is closed and he knocks quickly not wanting to barge in on her. He knocks again when she doesn't answer and then lets himself in when he still hears nothing. He expects to find her sitting in a pile of books either on her bed or at the bay window, maybe even sitting at her rarely used desk. Instead he pauses at the Riley-shaped lump hidden under her covers. He closes her door and walks quietly until he's standing at the side of her bed.

She isn't asleep. Her eyes are screwed up too tight and her breathing is too shallow for her to not be awake, but she refuses to look at him even when he kneels on the floor so his face is near hers.

"Riley, what's going on? Why did you lie about why you came home?" She still says nothing and he's starting to get worried. He places his hand on her shoulder over her comforter and rubs her arm slowly. "Riley, you know you can always talk to me. _Please_ talk to me."

She doesn't speak but she finally opens her eyes and Lucas actually gasps at all that she doesn't say. All of the emotions that she's been hiding away for the last month can be seen in her eyes. There is overwhelming sadness and enough pain that he feels like the breath has been knocked out of him. There is also a slight glint of fear and he is suddenly much more worried than before. He leans forward wrapping his arm around her as much as he can at his awkward angle.

"What happened?" He tries to keep his voice level but it breaks on the last syllable.

She sniffs, and for a minute he doesn't think she's going to answer. Then, "nothing."

He sighs her name but she interrupts him.

"No, really Lucas. Nothing has happened." Her voice is desperate and she still hasn't moved, hasn't reciprocated his semi-hug. "I don't know what's happening to me, but I feel like I'm drowning."

"Wh-what do you mean?" He sits back so that he can see her face and gently brushes back some of the hair that has escaped her ponytail.

"Every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed. I go to school and it feels like I can't breathe sometimes. I try to talk and smile and act normal but it's like all of my reactions are on a delay; like there is something blocking them and they just can't push through." At this point she is crying and her words are nearly intelligible. Lucas quickly lifts her into an upright position so that he can sit next to her and wraps her in his arms tightly.

They sit there for several minutes while he tries to calm her down. His heart feels like it's breaking when she whispers between sobs that she's scared. After what feels like another ten minutes, although he can't be sure, Riley slumps further into his chest. She takes several gulp of air as her breathing returns to normal.

Lucas lifts a hand to wipe away the tears on his own cheeks before tilting her face up to look at him. The emotions in her eyes have lessened, and in fact they seem rather dull now. He isn't sure if that is better or worse.

"Why didn't you come to me? Or if not me then your parents, or Maya or anyone really. We would have helped you." He moves his right hand to cup her cheek and she closes her eyes as she leans into his touch. He's in over his head here but he's glad that at least for now he seems to be comforting her.

"They would have made me explain and I don't know how to explain it." Her voice is hoarse and she is slurring a little as if she's about to fall asleep. "How can I ask for help if I'm not sure what is wrong?"

"Then you ask for help to figure it out. Riley, I don't know what is going on either but I know that you never have to go through it by yourself." He pauses to wet his lips and chooses his next words carefully. "People used to ask me why I was always so angry. I have two parents who love me, I was popular and I did well in school and sports. But sometimes the littlest thing would set me off. Sometimes it was bigger like when Zay was in trouble, but usually it was a comment or even just someone breathing too loudly and then I'd be snapping at everyone.

"I didn't talk to anyone about it until after I'd already been expelled. I thought there was something wrong with me and every time I tried to talk about it I would just get angrier. Do you know what I mean?" He hopes that he is on the right track and not actually confusing her more.

"Yeah," she nods against his hand. "It's like whenever I try to put it into words in my head it makes me more tired, and eventually I just give up trying to make sense of it."

"Exactly." He smiles down at her and she returns it with one of her fake smiles. He sighs. "I'm not saying I know how you feel Riley, but I think I have some idea. And I'll go talk to your parents with you if you want. All you have to do is tell them exactly what you told me, and if you get stuck I'll help you out."

"Really?" Her smile is a little more real this time.

"Of course. I am always here for you Riley, and we will figure this out." He moves his hand so that he is hugging her again and this time she brings her arms up to link around his waist.

"Thank you Lucas, but can we wait a little while? I think I want to sleep for a bit." She sounds like she's half asleep already.

"As long as you need. I'll be right here." He adjusts them so that he is sitting against her headboard while she lies next to him. He leaves some space between them in case her mom walks in, but he grabs her hand to remind her of his presence.

Her father won't be home for another hour or so anyway so he will let her sleep until then. He needs the time to calm his own thoughts and prepare himself for the conversation they're about to have. He thinks about texting Zay but he's not sure what he would say. If he's honest he's not sure if he trusts his friend not to tell everyone else and he's not sure who, if anyone, Riley will want to tell.

He sits there, holding his girlfriend's hand and hoping that her parents will be able to help her. They are two of the wisest people he has ever known and they always seem to know what to say when he and his friends have a problem. He really hopes they have the answers for this one.


End file.
